A Lesson In Rock Horns

Can we talk about rock horns for a minute? I think there's some misunderstandings out there that need to be cleared up. I've seen too many badly executed rock horns recently and it has to be stopped.

In my humble opinion, the proper rock horn is a fist with the index and pinky fingers fully extended. The horns then have to be pointed upwards at a minimum 45 degree angle. If desired, you can also include a hardcore facial expression as part of the presentation. You'll notice that in this position, the horns can also symbolize devil horns, and we all know the connections between the devil and the loud rock music, or at least I certainly hope so... If you don't, just go back to whatever it was you were doing.

My problem with rock horns is that some mutants also choose to include the extended tumb as part of the presentation. This is not a rock horn!!! Correct me if I'm wrong, but would that not be the American Sign Language sign for "I Love You"? That's not very rock if you ask me. The devil would not be proud, and therefore the thumb cannot be a part of the rock horn presentation.

Now, once the proper presentation of the rock horn is mastered, you can move on to more complicated horns. One example is the "Too Much Rock For One Hand" horn. In this rock horn, close both your hands into fists and fully extend only the pinky finger on each hand. Then bring your hands together so that your thumbs and indexes are touching. Raise the horn above your head, include hardcore facial expression if desired.

Another example is the "Rock Lock". For this you need a partner. One person executes a proper rock horn as described above. The second person closes one hand into a fist, then fully extends the middle and ring fingers. Then, the second person inserts their fingers between the first person's rock horns, and you each must lock your fingers around your partners hand and voila! You have successfully shared the power of rock! Once again, use hardcore facial expressions as desired. The Rock Lock works best if you use the hand opposite that of your partner's, i.e. one person use the left hand, the other use the right.

Please take the time to practice your rock horn technique before throwing horns in public. Practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror, should you choose to use them. Rock is a serious business and the last thing you want to do is show the (much bigger) mosher in the pit beside you that you love him with a goofy grin on your face while Tool, System or Metallica is killing on stage.

Thank you for indulging me. I hope rock horns in clubs and arenas everywhere will be better presented and understood. If you have another more advanced rock horn manoeuvre, please share. I have a few more I can explain if requested.